Marcus Smart will miss two weeks because he punched a picture frame at the team hotel in Los Angeles between games against the Lakers and Clippers. Parquet Post interviewed that picture, presumably a framed picture of James Dean, since I just assume that’s a requirement in all L.A. hotels.
Parquet Post: Hi, Jimmy. May I call you Jimmy? I like your sausages.
Framed Picture Of James Dean: Different James Dean, man.
PP: Hey, cool glasses.
FPOJD: Thanks. I had to get new ones, because some 6-foot-4 dude who’s built like a brick shithouse broke my old ones. Bled everywhere. It was crazy.
PP: Right. So, what happened?
FPOJD: I was literally just hanging there, and he punched me in the face.
PP: Did you provoke him by asking why he jacked a contested 3 instead of passing to a wide-open Terry Rozier at the end of the Lakers game?
FPOJD: I mean, he did seem pretty pissed when he got back to the room, but I was on the wall behind the TV, so I couldn’t really watch the game. And he was kind of always angry. He struck me as an angry dude. I can respect that. I’m sort of the brooding type myself. Don’t watch much basketball, though.
PP: I’m guessing you also didn’t mention the fact that an Instagram model posted pictures of what appeared to be a text from Smart saying, “It’s over,” followed by a threat to release their porno and a sonogram? She may or may not have also shared a video of him smoking weed.
FPOJD: Listen, man, I’m a framed picture of James Dean. I don’t judge.
PP: Really? Because that happened around the time he punched you.
FPOJD: I’m just a picture frame, man. I can’t really say anything.
PP: How are you doing this Q&A then?
FPOJD: My lips are sealed.
PP: Around a cigarette. I get it. You’re a framed picture of James Dean. You’re a badass. Did you fight back when he swung at you?
FPOJD: I cut him.
PP: Like the knife scene in “Rebel Without A Cause”?
FPOJD: I’m a framed picture of James Dean. I’m not actually James Dean.
PP: So, then what happened?
FPOJD: He flopped.
PP: He flopped?
FPOJD: Yeah, he just dropped like I hit him when he’s the one who started it.
PP: Sounds like Marcus Smart, all right. Did you accept his apology?
FPOJD: He didn’t exactly apologize to me.
PP: Well, like you said: You’re a framed picture of James Dean.
FPOJD: I am trying to find the courage to be tender in my life. I know violence is weakness. Only the gentle are ever really strong.
PP: Wait, what? Did you just quote yourself?
PP: We’re just singing Taylor Swift now? That’s why Marcus Smart punched you, isn’t it?
FPOJD: No comment.
Don’t worry. Parquet Post has some serious comment coming this week, too. Stay tuned for a behind-the-scenes look at the players’ side of the rumor-filled and ever-changing NBA trade deadline, as told by multiple agents.