Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jayson Tatum,
The No. 1 prep prospect in the nation they did rate him.
Greasy men — scouts and coaches and experts — came far and wide,
But instead of gold, frankincense, myrrh, they offered full rides.
A senseless age limit stood in the way of his NBA dream,
So they forced young Tatum to choose a college team.
Young and naive, he chose the wicked Blue Devils of Duke,
A school so filled with bad Brads and Chads it makes you puke.
More greasy men carrying clipboards came to see young Tatum,
So silky and smooth was he, they invented ways to hate him.
They shouted in unison, “Can’t shoot the 3!”
“Good,” they said, “but a defensive liability.”
Their greasy gazes turned to less special boys, Markelle and Lonzo.
One couldn’t shoot, and the other had a shoulder that was gonzo,
“But Markelle’s athleticism and upside!” they all said.
Spoonfuls of nonsense from Lonzo’s dad they were fed.
The Sixers and Lakers were so dumb,
They ate it all up and said, “Yum!”
The Celtics couldn’t believe their dumb luck.
They took one taste and said, “Yuck!”
“We’ll trade down from one to three,
and they’ll give us a pick for free!”
The luck of a leprechaun named Danny.
It was he and a leprechaun named Brad
Who tricked greasy men for being bad.
“To coach this wunderkind sure would be neat!”
Brad genuinely considered young Tatum a treat.
But with so many special Celtics, it would be tough to stand out.
You see, these older leprechauns, they had so much clout.
LeBron and the evil Cavaliers took care of that.
They made one of the leprechaun’s ankles go splat.
So, into the spotlight young Tatum was thrust;
Determined, the kid was, not to be proven a bust.
As good as he was, he thought he could be of more use.
That’s when he met another young Tatum named Deuce.
Youngest Tatum was a baby-faced hero just like his dad,
And, it became clear, special powers the little boy had.
His dad liked his pizza St. Louis style,
Even though it tasted kinda like bile.
His dad said it was from when money didn’t come in a pile.
“My mom, your grandma, could make a buck go a mile!”
That’s where the superpowers came from.
Brandy, Deuce’s 38-year-old grandmum.
“So,” said Deuce, “I will turn you into Taco Jay,
And as long as we’re all together, it’ll all be OK.”
By day, young Tatum ate tacos, and by night, he dropped buckets,
For this, Leprechaun Danny paid him handsomely with duckets.
After games, Brandy and Deuce would always be waiting.
The world saw what Weird Celtics Twitter was appreciating.
Not only could Taco Jay shoot the 3,
He was among the very best in the league,
And surely this superhero was no defensive liability.
In unison, the greasy men now shouted, “He’s only 19!”
Taco Jay made Markelle and Lonzo look like a diaper filled with Deuce’s dookie,
But even then the greasy men wouldn’t give young Tatum his just due as a rookie.
Their clipboards told them Simmons and Mitchell were still better at ball.
Yet, when the calendar turned to postseason, Taco Jay outlasted them all.
With Deuce and Brandy holding down the fort for Taco Jay,
The dumb Sixers, with Markelle and Simmons, our hero did slay.
Then came the evil Cavs and young Tatum’s boyhood idol.
Memories came crashing back of pizza St. Louis style.
“Follow back,” young Tatum had written in a five-year-old tweet,
But LeBron’s failure to respond, he deemed an act of deceit.
Taco Jay fought with all his might, only to suffer a loss in Game 7.
Only hugs from Brandy and Deuce made him again feel like heaven.
They reminded Taco Jay that their hero dunked on LeBron’s head.
His story is only just beginning, but meanwhile, it’s time for bed.